It's Schmidt's 29th birthday party. Schmidt's birthday party gets cancelled, so Jess throws him a birthday party. Using a school bus as a party bus, and inviting her boss Tanya (Rachael Harris) to the party, as she is 'party-hungry'.
Nick also intoduces his new girlfriend, Julia (Lizzy Caplan) to the gang, and they first officially 'got together' at Schmidt's party.
Jess and the guys sit around the living room. Schmidt is shocked he has to put $50 in the douchebag jar. Jess thinks it should be more like $250.
Three Days Ago Schmidt announces that he lost the party bus for his birthday party to Frankie Muniz. He doesn't think he can get a new one in two days that has a stripper pole and a steering wheel in the shape of a boob -- you honk the nipple.
He scoffs at Nick's suggestion to just have it in a bar. It's his 29th birthday and he think it's all downhill from here. He goes off to his room, crying a little.
Jess checks on him He worries canceling his party will ruin his "It" factor. Plus, he worries what Benjamin will think. They have a very female relationship; they hate each other. "We're bro-nemies, he's my fremisis," he explains. They were suitemates in college.
Flash back to Schmidt and Benjamin driving to Los Angeles, when Schmidt weighed a lot more. Benjamin promised he'd be rich some day and wrote Schmidt a check for $100 million.
Jess hears his sad little story and goes and suggestions to Winston and Nick that they throw Schmidt a party. They explain they're not from his world, where everything gets shortened to one syllable. He called an oven "oves" and an airport "airp." He went to a party themed "Bros before hos on the moon," they're not even sure what that means.
"You are not mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared to throw these d-bags a party," Nick tells her.
Nick excuses himself, the gang notices he is wearing his jury duty pants.
He goes to a lawyer party with Julia (Lizzy Caplan), doing Bill Cosby impressions to woo her. It works. She agrees to leave with him, but thinks it's weird after five dates that they never go to his place. He confesses he lives in a loft with three roommates, but "in a hot way." She's still charmed.
Back home, Jess calls to order a "last minute stripper", she asks for an Asian one with a heart of gold...and a crotch of gold.
Nick brings Julie home and Winston and Jess invite her to the party Saturday. Nick lets Winston know he doesn't appreciate it.
Jess gets off the phone. "Thank you, Miss Fat Booty, you're the best!"
Jess goes through the confiscation drawer at work looking for weed and gets busted by the principal Tanya (Rachael Harris). She asks what she's got cooking and offers to do a locker search to supply her. She invites herself to the party.
Jess leads Schmidt out of the apartment, covering his eyes, even though he's got a "egg yellows omelet cooking and the shallots and gouda are going to congeal." She reveals his party bus: a school bus with a sign on it. The principal is there.
Jess show him the decorated inside, with supplies of both kosher yogurt and condoms.
Julie is fascinated by Nick's world, even as he tries to distance himself from everyone. Benjamin arrives, calling him "N-word."
He makes fun of the school bus and asks Schmidt to sing his birthday song, to the tune of "We Built this City." Instead it's "We built this Schmidty on Tootsie Rolls...." Which, Benjamin explains they used to make him sing because he was fat.
Nick tries to explain he met Schmidt long ago when he was just chubby communications major. Julia assures him she likes his friends, but Nick says it's OK to make fun of them, saying that Winston likes "Sister, Sister" and is afraid of thunder. Winston is standing behind him. Nick apologizes, saying he just showing off to Julie. Winston promises to bring him down.
Inside, Schmidt enjoys the "Bro juice" Jess made and is impressed that Benjamin is enjoying himself.
An awkward nerdy, slightly too old man gets on the bus and checks out the stripper pole. He's the stripper. They assumed she wanted a man. Jess offers him $50 not to show them his junk. He worries about the lost tips. She asks if he can do anything else for money. He's the baritone in his church choir.
The bus rolls out. Jess uses the buses microphone to address the group, asking them to stick with their bus buddies and wear their safety helmets. The stripper sings them out with a gospel song.
Back to the douchebag jar, and Schmidt objecting that he's never had to put $50 in before. Flash back to him announcing to Jess that his personalized condoms just arrived and getting fined $20. Then asking Winston if he knew NWA didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone" and getting fined $30 and finally just walking in in a fitted tank top and army cap and getting fined.
Nick tells him he outdid himself this time. Schmidt defends that it was his birthday and he was very drunk.
Flashback to Last Night Jess riles up the crowd, to get them chanting for Schmidt to do shots of "bro juice." Nick tells Julia he has no idea what it is, and Winston points out Nick invented bro juice on Schmidt's 22nd birthday. Nick apologizes that it's not going to pretty then drinks directly out of the Gatorade cooler.
Benjamin watches Jess and asks Schmidt if he's "hitting that." Schmidt says no, and Benjamin suggests he might just help himself. Schmidt tries to tell him no.
On the return bus, Tanya passes out and Schmidt asks the stripper for stripper intel. He asks his persona, the stripper is a "wolf hawk." Schmidt is into it until he learns it's mostly dancing for dudes.
Nick thinks he's blown it with Julie, but she says she's just intimidated to be sitting next to the inventor of "bro juice." She says as long as he doesn't lie to her, they're fine. Nick confesses that on the rare occasions he works out, he listens to Huey Lewis, not ironically, because it pumps him up. He doesn't believe she has weird stuff, too.
Benjamin sidles up to Jess and tells her he got them -- just them -- on the list for a club. "So why don't you ditch that zero and get with a hero. The hero's my penis," he says. Jess tries to melt into the bus wall to get away.
Schmidt sees it happening and tells Benjamin to back off, who then says the party sucks. One by one, on a moving bus, Winston, then Nick tries to get Benjamin to cool it. Finally Julia walks up to him, telling him to say it one more time. Then she decks him in the face and punches him in the ribs. Someone falls over into the driver and the bus crashes to a stop.
Julia is horrified at herself. "Who are you?" Nick asks, equally horrified.
Cabs come to take people away. Julia confesses she has anger management issues and is going to court-ordered classes. She figures he's freaked out. He kisses her. It bothers him that he's turned on by her crazy, but she urges him to go with it.
Jess and drunk Schmidt wait for the tow truck. He tells her tonight was "10s across the board, no splash." He looks deep into her eyes and leans in. In slow motion, she leans away, realizing he was about to kiss her. He tries to play it off like he was going to get some fuzz off her face.
Cut to the douchebag jar, him being sentenced to $50 for trying to kiss Jess.
Close with a montage of douchebag jar offenses, including Schmidt looking for his "good peacoat", his "other timepiece" and his "driving moccasins".
Notes & Trivia
- Nick begins a relationship with Julia this episode.
- Schmidt tries to kiss Jess in this episode.
- Schmidt puts in 50 dollars in the Douchebag Jar in this episode.
- Although credited, Hannah Simone does not appear in the episode.
- Zooey Deschanel as Jessica Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Hannah Simone as Cece Meyers
- Lizzy Caplan as Julia
- Rachael Harris as Tanya Lamontagne
- David Nehar as Benjamin
- Matt Bessar as Martin Fuller
- Erik Valdez as Douchebag #2
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Pilot · Kryptonite · Wedding · Naked · Cece Crashes · Thanksgiving · Bells · Bad in Bed · The 23rd · The Story of the 50 · Jess & Julia · The Landlord · Valentine's Day · Bully · Injured · Control · Fancyman (Part 1) · Fancyman (Part 2) · Secrets · Normal · Kids · Tomatoes · Backslide · See Ya