When Jess decides to take her relationship with Paul to the next level, she consults with the guys for some sex advice. Meanwhile, Schmidt worms his way into his boss' baby shower to compete with his office female counterpart.
Jess brings Paul home after a date. Nick is asleep on the couch and is woken up by them stripping and making out on their way in. They get to the bedroom. He asks if they're really going to do it. She sings a brief ditty about intercourse then excuses herself to the bathroom for a sex pep talk.
Later, she apologizes for getting nervous and ruining it. She hasn't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years. She suggests instead they go to dinner tomorrow night and then do each other like crazy. No pressure.
In the living room, Nick gets stressed out confirming his hair appointment. He dreads getting stuck in a chair and being forced to make conversation. He declines an invitation to go to Winston's black barbershop (he doesn't need to seem cooler than he already does) or Schmidt's sa-lon. Jess joins them and announces Paul's coming over tonight and she plans to "tap that like a maple tree."
At work, Schmidt gets stalked by Beth, his coworker who times how long he's in the bathroom. She tries to make him confess he pooped. He learns the corner cubicle is free. His coworker thinks she has it locked up because she's been invited to their boss' baby shower. Schmidt feels left out.
Jess makes CeCe go lingerie shopping with her. She's worried she's out of the loop. "Everything I know about sex I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial," Jess explains.
She selects a teddy that's mostly straps, with a black starfish in the center. She can't try it on, per the health code. She talks it up. "I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps, because this starfish is hungry," she growls. Because starfish eat coral polyps.
Winston finds Nick about to give himself a home haircut while watching a YouTube video. He finds out why it has so many views when the guy stabs himself and squirts blood.
Schmidt drops in his boss Gina's office. He invites himself to her shower and then announces he's getting her a breast pump.
Jess comes home talking on the phone to Paul. She wants to look up where they're going to dinner and opens the laptop that was left out. She's transfixed by the porn and has to call Paul back. The noises start to get weirder and Jess is intimidated.
Schmidt finds her later in her room, still watching the laptop. She confesses she's been watching porn. "How long you been doing that for? Are you OK?" Five and a half hours.
The guys conference. She asks them to teach her how to be good at sex. She's freaking out. She wants to know what they like in bed, but can't use any of the words. She asks if they think Paul watches porn, they assure her he does. Schmidt thinks he might be into light choking.
Schmidt and Winston think they're better at sex than Nick. Winston reminds him what he said the first time he had sex: "Winston, do you think it's OK I didn't get my pants all the way off?" Nick says he was 16, but Schmidt says he heard him with Caroline all through college. It was like listening to a rescue crew communicate with a stranded miner. They keep arguing so they ask Jess to settle who she thinks is best.
She's saved by Paul knocking on the door. Jess excuses herself to go try on her strappy outfit.
Gina's baby shower is a cocktail party at her pool. Schmidt insinuates himself into a conversation, which Gina says is about afterbirth. He thinks it's a party and he wants to be invited. Beth interrupts him. Schmidt gets up on the pool wall to make a speech about the blessed event of birth. Beth toasts elective C-sections and gets a woo.
Schmidt challenges her, saying he was in two frats in college. He raises a bottle of Jack and announces everyone's getting drunk.
Jess and Paul are nervous on their date. She tells him she's looking forward to having sex later. She asks if he likes porn. He says no until she says she does. Then he says he watches it sometimes if his imagination is tired or he's "exhausted his bullpen."
At the baby shower, Schmidt is the life of the party. He's chugging and totally raging. His boss Gina loves it. Then he throws her in the pool. The party stops. She comes to the surface and shouts that she's having a baby, thrilled! Schmidt jumps in, followed by everyone else.
Back at the apartment, Jess takes Paul into the bedroom and shows off her starfish. She tries on her old newscaster voice. He tries a voice and ends up with Jimmy Stewart. She ends up with an old lady voice. He can't get her out of the starfish. She segues into a loud lumberjack voice and he asks if they can just go back to basics.
He kisses her sweetly. And then she chokes him. She holds it a little too long. He wants some water -- from home.
The next morning, Nick tells Winston he's really glad he convinced him to go to his barbershop. Then we see Nick's hair, with a razor line above his ear and a Vanilla Ice 'do. Jess comes out for tea and they ask how it went. She throws things.
A blond girl comes out of Schmidt's room and ask Nick and Winston where's the way out.
Winston and Nick check on Jess. She confesses she lightly choked Paul. She's used to not having to think about it. Nick tries to offer advice, but she doesn't think his hair of that of a person who's good at sex. Winston assures her that Paul is crazy about her.
Paul drops by. She apologizes. He tells her he's intimidated by her because he's not experienced in S & M like she is. But he'll try it because he really likes her. "Just no fire and no handcuffs, please. And I'm allergic to felt, and most polyurethanes."
Jess says she's not into any of that stuff, she just thought her old moves weren't good enough. She gets in the elevator with him to ride down. They start making out. He takes off her clothes and they stop the elevator.
The guys all wait for the elevator. It comes back up with Paul and Jess in it. Her shoe is in the corner.
Notes & Trivia
- Zooey Deschanel as Jessica Day
- Jake Johnson as Nick Miller
- Lamorne Morris as Winston Bishop
- Max Greenfield as Schmidt
- Hannah Simone as Cece Meyers
- Justin Long as Paul Genzlinger
- Lauren Dair Owens as Young Jess
- Michaela Watkins as Gina
- Eva Amurri as Beth
- David Hoffman (I) as Haircut Guy
- Katie Walder as Shower Woman
- Hugh Dane as Old Customer
- Jennifer Wenger as Lingerie Store Clerk
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