Zooey-deschanel- Episode-Still-14

Kryptonite - S01E02

This is a transcript for S01E02 - "Kryptonite"

  • Original air date USA: 27 September 2011
  • Original air date UK: 13th January 2012
  • IMDB Rating - 7.2/10 (11/04/14)


  • Danna Brady - Hot Waitress
  • Paul Renteria - Pawn Shop Owner


SCENE: The loft, Jess is trotting by Schmidt's room carrying lot's of science stuff.


JESS: (Stops in Schmidt's doorway) Yeah?

SCHMIDT: (Pacing back and forth) Can I ask you something?

JESS: You wan't my help? Sure.

SCHMIDT: You consider me a sexy man, correct?

JESS: I don't know how to answer that question.

SCHMIDT: Okay look, I'm meeting a girl for drinks tonight, and I'm probably going to bring her back here, for sex.

JESS: I have to get to school cause it's astronomy day and I'm dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.

SCHMIDT: I get that, but as a lady, where in the room do I look sexiest? You know like, like where am I best on display? Here? (Sits in armchair, legs crossed holding head) Here? (Sits on arm of armchair) Or (runs over to bed) here? (lies on bed on his side) 


NICK: Hey, what is going on out here?

JESS: Um, Schmidt wants to know where in his room he looks the sexiest.

NICK: Well it's a big room. What are your choices?

SCHMIDT: Ok, I'm glad you asked. Alright, (waves hand across bed) here? (runs over and sits in armchair) Here? (sits on arm of armchair again) Or here? You know, maybe just reading a book or something.

NICK: It's a lot of options. Could you do them again really fast?

SCHMIDT: You wanna see them again?

NICK: Please.

SCHMIDT: Ok. Here? Here? Here?

JESS: (Smirking) Wait, what was the first one again?

NICK: (Also smirking) Yeah.

SCHMIDT: (Angrily) OK. I get it. All laugh at Schmidt, great. Here? Here?...


SCENE: The loft, Jess is spreading cream cheese on a bagel in the kitchen area.

JESS: I'm so excited to meet him...

NICK: (Walking towards her) No, Jess he's sleeping. He flew in late last night, we took him straight to the bar, took a bunch of shots, got drunk, screamed I love America. (Sits down) Now he's happily passed out. (Slurps coffee) Let's let him sleep.

JESS: Guess I'm not the new kid anymore, I'm just one of the guys.

NICK: You're still the new kid, Winston lived here before Coach did.

JESS: (Carries on preparing breakfast) So Coach said, (shot of Schmidt walking by, taking earphones out) that they used to play basketball together at college, but then Winston went pro...

SCHMIDT: In Latvia, okay? He went pro in Latvia, there's a big difference. (Nick turns around to look at him) Well the team logo, is a fig. Just a.. just a one single fig.

JESS: Oh, you're jealous. (Turns around) That's so cute. (Turns back)

SCHMIDT: (Smirks) Of Winston? No no no. Look, I'm not jealous of Winston. Ok, it's been two year, he's gonna have to recognize, I'm a lot flyer now. Wanna see me flex my base? (Starts to take off shirt)

NICK: Naw naw naw naw. Put your shirt on.

SCHMIDT: (Takes off shirt) Let me flex my base. Let me flex my base, man.

NICK: Put your shirt on.

SCHMIDT: Baboom.

NICK: It's the morning.

JESS: (Whispers whilst carrying the breakfast tray) He's gonna love it.

NICK: Jess, what are you doing? (To Schmidt) What is she doing?

(Jess kicks opens the door, walks in and places the tray on the floor, loud enough to wake Winston. Winston wakes with a start.)

WINSTON: What the.. what the.. (points at Jess) who?

JESS: I'm Jess.

(Back in the kitchen)

JESS: (From the kitchen you can hear her singing) I'm Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssss!

WINSTON: (Shouting) What's happening?! Why are you doing that?!

SCENE: Nick and Jess are in the bathroom brushing their teeth, whilst Schmidt is in the shower.

JESS: I can't believe you didn't tell me he was hungover!

NICK: I totally told you he was hungover. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he's passed out.


JESS: Hi, Winston. Hey, I apologize for what happened before... not cool, bad call. I've been talking to the guys about boundaries, so I totally get it.

WINSTON: Perfectly fine, no problem.

JESS: Do you have a tank top I could borrow? You look like you're about my size. It's just that I'm really low on clothes right now cause I broke up with my boyfriend. And I caught him cheating and... I just like grabbed whatever I could and...

SCHMIDT: (Steps out of the shower) Jess, you know what? I'll let you check my lost and found. It's where I keep all the things the girls leave behind in my room after we've founicate. I've got sizes 0 through 10. (Jess and Schmidt leave)

WINSTON: What have you done to me Nick?

NICK: I am so happy you're back.

SCENE: Schmidt and Jess are sitting on the bed, with a box in front of them.

JESS: (Rummaging through the box, she pulls out stiletto) You have made love to a lot of forgetful women.

SCHMIDT: (Taking shoe off her) Ah man, look at these, wow. (Sees Jess taking out hair extensions from the box) Oh, look at that, Rochechana 06. Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.

JESS: Winston seems nice...

SCHMIDT: Did he say anything to you about the room?

JESS: What room?

SCHMIDT: The big room, I kinda took it from him when he left, I used to be in the small room. (Pulls out shirt from box that says 'I AM CLAIRE'.) This happened in the small room. (Looks at it) Twice. Never going back there again, Jess.

SCENE: Winston and Nick are tossing a basketball back and forth between then in the main living area of the loft.

NICK: He's never gonna give you that room back.

Winston: Psshhhh, come on man, it's Schmidt. You know they have a saying in Latvia. 'That guy is so stupid we could easily take things away from him'.

NICK: (Laughs) That's a saying?

WINSTON: (Laughs) Yeah, it is.

NICK: That's a weird saying. (Bounces ball and throws to Winston who shoots and scores)


JESS: (Wearing borrowed clothes) What d'ya think?

NICK: Jess, I've been telling you this for weeks but you gotta call Spencer and you gotta get your stuff back. Unless, you know, unless you're scared.

JESS: No, I'm not scared, it's just complicated. That stuff was... that stuff was ours and I miss him. (Starts to get upset.)

SCHMIDT: Jess, look, it's a ball. (Throws ball to Jess)

JESS: Oh, a little b-ball huh, (laughs). (Whilst bouncing ball) You know, I'm actually pretty good. I used to play with my mom. (Half-singing and still bouncing ball) Defense! Defense! Watch out for the defense! Sneaky sneaky wah wah.

NICK: (To Winston) You get used t`o it.

JESS: Hey, Schmidt! (Bounces ball really hard in Schmidt's general direction and smashes the TV)

NICK: Ah, come on!

JESS: (Puts hands over her face) Uh!

SCHMIDT: Wow! (Sarcastically)

JESS: (Removes hands from face) Oh! (Breathes heavily) My bad!

NICK: (Holding the bridge of his nose) Uuuuuuuuurgh.

JESS: I'm sorry, you guys.

NICK:  That was my TV, Jess.

SCHMIDT: Kinda all he had.

JESS: I'll get you a new one I just can't it afford it right now.

NICK: If ya don't mind me asking, what's the plan?

WINSTON: You don't know me like that but I need a TV.

NICK: Do you have a TV at Spencer's?

JESS: Yeah, I do, it's just really big and thin and brea...

NICK: Go get it!

JESS: No, I can't, I haven't spoken to Spencer since he cheated on me with that hoe! Actually, that's not fair, she might be a really nice hoe. I just don't wanna get in a big fight with Spencer, I want to be friends with him eventually.

NICK: Why do you wanna be friends with your ex? I don't wanna be friends with Caroline, and all she did was rip me open and tear out my heart out with her perfect, perfect hands.

JESS: He has this power over me, like he's a wizard and I'm his mage and I think it's his hair, he has like this really beautiful hair, and whenever I see it I get the 'woowoos'.

NICK: Oh my god, I hate my life!

SCHMIDT: Ok guys just.. Jess look, I know, closure, ouch, am I right?

JESS: I don't know at all what you're saying right now.

SCHMIDT: Ok Jess, think about it...

NICK: Ok Schmidt, it's not that complicated, Jess just get the TV back!

WINSTON: I need a TV.

NICK: It's important! It's a television! It's what brings all of.. Just get us the TV!

JESS: Okay, it's not a big deal. I'll do it. I'll call Spencer, and I'll talk to him, and, I, will talk, to, him. So, yay.



JESS: Hi Spencer.

SPENCER: (Takes his helmet off and shakes his hair out in slo-mo, movie style) Hi, Jess-jess.


WINSTON: Wow, I miss this place. How's your yoghurt thing, Schmidt?

SCHMIDT: Oh, the parfait? It's parfait.

NICK: Come on, don't...

SCHMIDT: (To the hot waitress) Oh, hello. You look beautiful today. You look smart.

HOT WAITRESS: Stop talking to me, Schmidt.

WINSTON: So, you're making all the calls now, Schmidt?

SCHMIDT: Sure...

WINSTON: This must mean, you're the top dog?


WINSTON: (Exchanging glances with Nick) That's cool...

SCHMIDT: You know, i'm glad you guys think that, cause... you know I think that too.

WINSTON: One hundred percent, I mean, when I moved out, obviously there was a power vacuum.

NICK: Yeah, I needed a leader, I didn't know which end was up.

SCHMIDT: Yeah, Nick's the bottom if you know what I mean.

NICK: Absolutely, say Winston, do all top dogs need the biggest room or, I dunno, is that knida cheesy, a little over kill?

WINSTON: No no no no no. Though I definitely see what you're saying though, definitely. Uh, every top dog is differt, every top dog is different. Hey, Schmidt, what uh, what kind of top dog are you?

SCHMIDT: ...the kind with the big room.


SPENCER: I'm so glad we're talking, last time I saw you, you were so mad.

JESS: How is, um...?

SPENCER: Rochelle.

JESS: Rochelle...fancy name.

SPENCER: She's great.

JESS: Rochelle like a mermaid.


JESS: (Puts on weird voice and picks up parts of her hair) Hello. I'm Rochelle and I eat fish.

SPENCER: Yeah, we have a lot in common, see we both love bikes...

JESS: I love bikes...

SPENCER: Not enough.

JESS: Um, Spencer. I need my stuff back. My TV, all my winter clothes.

SPENCER: Yeah, of course. I would have brought it today but I rode my bike here. You know, without the basket.

JESS: Ok. Well, when will it be a good time for me to come over...?

SPENCER: (Interrupting Jess and changing the subject) It's so good to see you Jess.

JESS: Spencer, I really need my stuff..,

SPENCER: Shuuuuuuuusshhh. I need something too.


ROCHELLE: Thanks for taking me to the airport, Jess.

JESS: (Monotone) Of course, all you have is your bike, Rochelle.

SPENCER: Hit it! 



JESS: $550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I go. (Draws something on a piece of paper)

PAWN SHOP OWNER: You drew a smiley face.

JESS: I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.

PAWN SHOP OWNER: For the kids, $550.

JESS: I can't go home without a TV, I thought pawn shops were about helping people and frankly, right now, I feel taken advantage of. I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or lets be honest, sexually. (Picks up her bag to go) I'll just, I'll just get out of here. (Tries to steal the TV but fails miserably.)

PAWN SHOP OWNER: Are you trying to rob me?


SCHMIDT: Hey, where's Winston, MM?

NICK: Yeah, I think he's in his room, Schmidt.

SCHMIDT: (Sits down) Do you really think I'm top dog?


SCHMIDT: Do you think I'm head baller, shot caller? 

NICK: Yes Schmidt, I feel that way.

SCHMIDT: (Moves next to Nick) You see that man? It's my new thumb ring. Hot choice is that. Little skull. It's so nectar.

NICK: Did you just make up nectar?

SCHMIDT: Nah, it's a volleyball term. What is Winston doing in there? He can't hang out in there, it's too small.


NICK: What's up?

SCHMIDT: Yo, what up, Cec?

NICK: You alright?

JESS: I'm sorry, I didn't get the TV.

SCHMIDT: What happened?

CECE: Urgh, terrible roommates. I mean seriously, you guys told her to call Spencer? That is not your job, that is my job!

NICK: Alright, so what happened?

JESS: Urgh, he needed a ride to the airport.

NICK: What?!

JESS: For his new girlfriend.

NICK: Are you kidding me?!

SCHMIDT: Are you serious?

CECE: What? You didn't tell me that!

JESS: And, I'm supposed to pick her up next Sunday.



JESS: What's wrong with me?

NICK: I figured it out. This guy is your kryptonite. You need to stand up and you need to fight him.

JESS: I want to fight him but I can't. I'm powerless.

NICK: Cause you're not ready to let him go. I think you know, deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it's over over.

CECE: I can't believe I'm actually gonna say this, but, I agree with him.

JESS: No, you guys are wrong. I really, I really wanna move on.

NICK: Then you gotta fight.

JESS: Alright, I wanna fight.

NICK: Then get mad!

JESS: I wanna get mad!

NICK: (Stands up and pick up cushion from sofa) Alright, then do this. Pretend this is Spencer's face. Punch it. (Jess prepares herself for a showdown with the cushion) Get. (Punches cushion) Come on, do it again. (Punches a little harder) Alright, punch it like a man. (Punches a little harder.) Harder than that! (Punches harder) 

CECE: Come on, Jess.

NICK: Come on Jess, get angry. (Punch) Good!

CECE: (Punch) Get angry. (Punch) Get real angry.

NICK: (Starts punch dancing) That's dancing. That's punch dancing. He broke your heart! He did terrible things to you, you hate him.

JESS: (Still punching) I'm mad!

NICK: Good.

CECE: There you go.

NICK: Good.

JESS: I'm bad!

NICK: You're ready, go get your stuff.

JESS: (Starts walking towards the door) I'm gonna go get my stuff!

NICK: Go get it.

SCHMIDT: Go on, Jess.

JESS: I'm really mad!

NICK: I'm proud of you.

JESS: I'm gonna go get it!

NICK: Go get your stuff.

JESS: I'm gonna face the facts! I'm gonna ask you guys, right now, to come with me. Seriously guys, cause I can't everything alone and I can't be alone.


JESS: Yeah! Loud music! Loud. Loud. Loud.

WINSTON: Ok, you're ruining my pre-game mence.

JESS: What am I gonna say?

NICK: Hey Spencer, give me my TV back.

JESS: Hi Spencer, give me my TV back, buddy.

NICK: Hey, no buddy. How about jerk or idiot.

JESS: Mr. Crabs.

WINSTON: Mr. Crabs is an option.

CECE: (To Schmidt) Your hand is on my leg.

SCHMIDT: Your hand's on my leg.

CECE: No, it really isn't.

SCHMIDT: Classic he said, she said.

CECE: Ok, Jess, just pull over right here. (Jess almost stops but at the last second steps on the gas again and drives off) Woah!

JESS: Ok, you know what, just one more shot.

NICK: Ok, one more time around Jess, and then we're good. You got this.

JESS: Yeah. (Tries to pull up again but carries on driving again)

SCHMIDT: Really? Come on.

JESS: Just one more time, gonna... (breathes) 

NICK: Alright, this is the time, this is the time. Wow.

CECE: Woah!

JESS: Ok one more shot, one more shot, just one more, just one more.

SCHMIDT: (To Winston) You know I'm onto you.

WINSTON: What do you mean?

SCHMIDT: You told me that I'm top dog but secretly you think that you're top dog. Alright, now you are just trying to out top dog the top dog.

CECE: Jess, can you please take these doors off child lock so I can kill myself.

SCHMIDT: Men are working. Look things are different now man, you're not top dog anymore. I am.

WINSTON: Okay, you know what you are absolutely correct you are the top dog. (Puts hand up to head as if taking off imaginary crown) Here. (Puts it on Schmidt)

SCHMIDT: (Taking off the imaginary crown) What are you doing? There is no top dog crown. Are you trying to make me look stupid. Look man, this is about respect, I'm a lot flyer than I used to be.

WINSTON: Yeah, much flyer, I respect you Schmidt.

SCHMIDT: No, you don't because if you had, you would have told me that the (song changes to a more calm love song) small room is the top dog room. (Jess begins to slow down)

JESS: (Singing along)

WINSTON: What? I own this song.

JESS: (Still singing) YOU GO AND SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST (Finally pulls up out side Spencer's house)

SCHMIDT: What's happening?

WINSTON: What's happening if that is a great song.

JESS: (Gets out of car and walks towards the house)

CECE: I'll be out here if you need me, Jess. (Jess rings the doorbell continuously until it opens)

SPENCER: Hi, Jess-jess.

NICK: That's the wizard? He's wearing a scrunchie.

WINSTON: It looks like he juggles clubs on the beach.

CECE: Yeah, like he'd ever have a job.

SCHMIDT: Didn't you just kinda assume he'd have a handlebar moustache.

NICK: Come on Jess, just go in there and get that TV.

SPENCER: (Pulls Jess into a hug) I missed you Jess.

CECE: Don't hug him back... (Jess hugs him back) ALL IN CAR GROAN

SCHMIDT: Ugh. That's not healthy.

JESS: (Notices withered plants) I told you to water the plants! (Pulls away from hug)

SPENCER: Huh? Oh, you know that's not my thing. (Tries to hug her back but she pushes him away)

JESS: I told you to water the plants. (Pick up flowerpot and throws it onto the lawn, smashing) ARRRRGGGHHHH!

NICK: What is she doing?


SCHMIDT: What a mess.

JESS: ARGGGHHHH! I'M GOING IN!! (Runs into house)

SPENCER: Jess, take your shoes off, we keep an Asian household. (Runs after her)

WINSTON: Didn't see that coming.

NICK: Is she gonna be ok in there?


JESS: (Stumbles out of the house wearing tons of clothes and carrying bags and the TV) I got it! It's really heavy, but I got it!

SCHMIDT: Oh my God, we created a monster.

NICK: She looks like hell in bomb crudder.

WINSTON: Oh guys, she's gonna drop. uh Jess, soft hands Jess.

SPENCER: (Comes running out after her) Come on Jess. we'll share, you know, work out a system.

JESS: (Turns around and notices she is wearing her shirt) Hey, hey. That's my shirt.

SPENCER: No, this is my t-shirt.

JESS: No, that is my shirt. It has my name on it. (Wobbles around)

WINSTON: Don't drop it, Jess, don't, don't drop it, don't...

CECE: Come on, everybody out. Now! (All rush out of car)

ALL: Nonononono!!! (Jess drops the TV and it makes an unsatisfying sound)

JESS: Give me my shirt! (Attacks Spencer)

NICK: (Runs over and grabs hold of Jess) Hey Jess, nonononono, stop stop, sorry don't mind her we're just here for the TV.

SPENCER: Who are these guys?

JESS: They are my room-mates.

SPENCER: Cece! Hi.

CECE: (Walking towards the house) I gotta go in and get the rest of your stuff, Jess.

SPENCER: (To Cece) Hey. (To Jess) Let's just talk about this, okay, rap it out.

JESS: No! We can't rap it out, we're not together anymore, it's not the same.

SPENCER: Doesn't mean we can't talk about things.

JESS: There's nothing to talk about. Give me my shirt back.

SPENCER: No, you gave this to me, I want to keep it.

NICK: Give her, her t-shirt, man.

SPENCER: No, I don't want to, you know and I gave her this hat too so I'm going to take it back. (Bends down to reach for a red hat)

NICK: You mean this one? (Picks it up and waves it in front of Spencer)

SPENCER: Yeah. (Reaches for hat)

NICK: You want that? (Carries on waving it)


NICK: (Puts on hat) Then I dare you, come take it off my head, pal. (Long pause whilst they all glare at Spencer) I dare you!

SCHMIDT: (Walks over and outs another hat on)

WINSTON: You guys looks ridiculous. (Smirks)

NICK: Look dude, give her the shirt back, (motions at shirt) I bet she worked hard on that 'JAM-boree'.

JESS: Yeah. Play on words. Jam. Boree. Jam!


SCHMIDT: We all made a lot of jam, Spence. You know how time consuming that can be? You need a jar funnel, a canner, some fresh fruit; strawberries, raspberries, maybe a tayberry, maybe a ripe...

NICK: No more fruit.

SPENCER: You live with these people Jess?! Seriously?! You can stay here until you can find a better place to live.

NICK: You know what, I don't like you stretch. I don't like anything about you. And I'm not afraid to...

JESS: (Touches Nicks shoulder, to Nick) I got this. (To Spencer) I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six year trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me, thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have ended up marrying you and then you would have hurt me all over again. (Sigh) And yeah, I was scared to start over, I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real, but I love these guys, I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them. All of them!

GUYS: Just take it easy on the love stuff...

WINSTON: (Bends down to pick up a hat) Give her the shirt back, man. (Puts hat on)

SPENCER: What happens if I say no?

SCHMIDT: You know what happens? Schmidt happens! (Slaps Spencer)

SPENCER: Ow. What's on your hand?

SCHMIDT: Thumb ring, bitch! You got some Schmidt on your face!

CECE: (Walks out with some more of her stuff, including her bike)

SPENCER: You know what, fine, here, take it. (Takes off shirt)

CECE: (Walks by him) Keep the bell. (Chucks bell at him)

SPENCER: You know, I thought we were going to handle this like adults, Jess.

JESS: Yeah well, I though you were the love of my life, so... (shot of the guys watching her from in front of the car with her stuff) Suck it, Mr. Crabs! (Walks back to the car where they all pat her on the back)


WINSTON: I do hate that guy.

SCHMIDT: (Shrugs shoulders) Whatevs, you know.

WINSTON: (Laughs) You know what? Maybe I didn't have respect for you before, because, if this is what respecting you feels like, this is definitely not how I felt. (Stops in Jess' room and start putting stuff down)

SCHMIDT: So you recognize? Represent, what.

WINSTON: Okay, look, I'm gonna be completely honest, I've been messing with you, but it's just that I wanted my old room back. You know, you're right, I've been away a long time and things have changed around here so I kind of got to get used to that. Keep the big room.

SCHMIDT: So now you're just deep dogging me, man. I'm not scared of your mind games, I'm taking the small room, Winston.

WINSTON: Schmidt, that's not what I mean...

SCHMIDT: No no no no no. Why don't you listen to me. You can double reverse dog me until the cows come home. I'm not falling for it. What do you take me for? Some kind of idiot?

WINSTON: (Behind Schmidt's back - a  yeah! action.)


JESS: I can't believe I got all my stuff back.

NICK: You did, but most of it's broken.

JESS: Yeah it's broken, but, I don't know, it's mine.

NICK: Yeah, but it's broken. (TV makes a beep sound) Hey! Look at that.

JESS: Oh my God.

NICK: I think it's working.

JESS: Oh my God!

NICK: We got a TV again. (High fives her)

JESS: It's a TV and it's working.

NICK: Hey, we got the TV back. (Sits down with Jess) Alright. (Winston comes and sits down)

JESS: You guys are awesome. I'm gonna make you so much jam.

NICK: Please don't. (Schmidt sits down)

JESS: We're gonna have a jam sess.

NICK: Absolutely not. (TV falls to the side and they all turn their heads) Okay, what are we watching?

JESS: I have some DVDs. Um, Adventures of Babysitting, Prancer, Noosies, Curly Sue.

WINSTON: I'm going out. (All the guys get up)

JESS: Wait, where are you guys going? These are heart-warming films.

SCHMIDT: (Comes running back in) Curly Sue, let's do this.

JESS: Alright, lemme go get it.


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